Archive | April, 2012

Think like a human

25 Apr

Welcome

Last week saw the U.S release of the film ‘Act Like A Man’, which has been produced by comedian Steve Harvey who penned the book ‘Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man’. I have never read the book and have no intention of seeing the film. I always thought it sensible to take advice from experts in their field. If I were in need of financial advice, I would happily take on board the thoughts of Bill Gates or Donald Trump. I don’t see the logic in taking relationship advice from a man with two ex wives that he cheated on throughout the entire marriages. What authority does he have to advise anyone on the state of their relationships other than being a celebrity?

In researching for my film, I have come across a few Black male dating/ relationship experts. I am very dubious about those who have had turbulent love lives. If you don’t know what it takes to have a long lasting happy relationship/marriage what real advice can you offer? I recall reading an article that Harvey thought he had learnt valuable life lessons after cheating on his ex wives for years. If he felt that why didn’t he write a book instructing men on how to treat their wives? Why choose women as his target audience? The answer is simple; we live in a society which is used to telling women that there is something wrong with them.

Women are bombarded with 400 to 600 adverts per day with 9% directly relating to beauty (Source: Media Scope). The beauty industry thrives on the insecurities of women; you’re too fat, too skinny, too old and too frumpy etc. With this backdrop it makes perfect economic sense why these ‘relationship experts’ target women. They use the fact that they as male have legitimacy to speak for the entire male population. They don’t conduct extensive research, just rehash a few conversations at the bar or the barbers and suddenly they are a bona fide expert. Harvey presents his information as ‘inside knowledge’ of the male psyche delivered in comedic little chunks. Too many women swallow this whole without question. They provide these entrepreneurs with the perfect malleable audience, waiting to be told what is wrong with them and how they need to improve.

Harvey’s work is aimed at Black women. We are a group who find ourselves under an intolerable level of scrutiny. On one hand we are always compared negatively to women of other races or completely ignored by mainstream media. To add insult to injury our main detractors are Black men. Apparently we are too loud, too dark, too aggressive, too stuck up, too fat and the list goes on and on. It is beyond pathetic that we have prominent Black comedians, rappers, entertainers and so called relationship experts who so easily mock the women who most resemble their mothers and sisters yet, they have the nerve to expect us to purchase their latest CDs/books/films.

I am always curious as to why the burden of creating successful relationships is placed squarely on women’s shoulders. Why don’t these love gurus write books telling men how to treat the women in their lives? Are men totally exempt from bearing any responsibility in making a successful relationship last? Society still sees a long term relationship as something women crave and what men try to dodge at every opportunity. This thinking undermines both sexes. Women do not need relationships to validate them and men are not so emotionally stunted that they do not want to be in happy fulfilling relationships.

It’s really not a surprise that there is plenty of scope to financially exploit Black women’s insecurities. I don’t belong to the doom and gloom brigade telling Black women that there is a man shortage. I think that is simply not true or only particular to Black women. I have many single female friends of every race, who have the same complaints about meeting decent guys. I wish I could explain why, it would probably make me a rich woman. I think that there is a seismic shift occurring between established gender roles and aspirations. I think that these changes within the Western world are largely positive as women and Black women in particular have greater opportunities today than ever before. However, I think that it has made expectations/interactions between men and women more fluid than say a generation ago. We all have more choice regarding dating/marriage/life options. Perhaps it’s the increased level of relationship options that makes it harder for everyone to make a choice in the first place.

Black women should fully exploit greater dating opportunities within and outside our race. However, there are a large number of Black women who only want to date Black men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Half of my relatives are Black men and I love them dearly, well most of them. However, the main problem is that there are not enough eligible Black men to go round. That is the biggest stumbling block for Black women looking for a Black partner. It has nothing to do with how long you withhold sex or if you uphold a set of dating rules. If these Black male relationship experts really want to do Black women a favour, they need to address Black male unemployment, imprisonment, child abandonment and the acceptable blatant disrespect given to Black women. Steve Harvey and other ‘dating experts’ would make loving relationships within the Black community more likely if they encouraged Black men to continue with further education, and to become loving husbands and fathers. I suppose that philanthropy doesn’t offer the same financial returns that book and film deals do.

What all women need to remember is that the final say is in our hands. We decide where our money goes. It is important to question the motives of those who claim to be offering help. Until the likes of Steve Harvey are able to make one woman happy for at least 25 years, he does not have the authority to tell anyone how to manage their personal life. Patriarchy puts women under a continuous spotlight, encouraging us to vie for male validation. We don’t need to pay attention to men pretending to have women’s interests at heart. Their only concern is for their expanding bank balances. We all want quick fixes for the difficult areas of our lives. Following a set of rules offered by a comedian is not going to help people ascertain whether someone is a good match or not. We are talking about finding a life partner not training a puppy. Ultimately, I don’t need to think like a man, in order to find and keep one. Surely the trick is to think and behave like a loving human being.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

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Where is the love?

16 Apr

Photo Credit – Copyright New Line Cinema

Welcome

‘Love and Basketball’ is one of my favourite films. Unlike most romantic dramas it doesn’t gloss over the fact that relationships are hard work. It is also one of the few beautiful Black love stories on the big screen. If an alien were to land on earth and watch the majority of Black cinema or mass media in general, he would probably deduce that Black men and women do not like each other very much. The majority of mainstream Black films portray dysfunctional interactions between Black people. Now I am all for tackling tough issues such as child abuse in ‘Precious’ or infidelity in ‘Why did I get married?’ What I don’t understand is why the Black community is so happy to perpetuate and buy into such negative images of themselves? Why are there so few examples of Black love in today’s mainstream media? Are these films not normalising dysfunctional behaviour and presenting it as some twisted version of Black reality?

The Black community is still plagued with incorrect and limiting stereotypes even in the era of supposed post racialism. In reality, Black women have increased their educational and financial opportunities. As a result, the stereotypes of Black women is developing from the overweight maid or finger snapping ghetto queen to the lonely, unapproachable, career woman. Another stereotypical Black female persona is the damaged woman who was either betrayed as an adult or abused as a child and this explains why she is always angry and pushes men away. The upshot is that Black women are either fat and undesirable or attractive and angry. Black men don’t fare any better. The tragic killing of Trayvon Martin only highlights the power of the stereotype that Black men are hyper aggressive predators. If the Black man is not portrayed as ‘get rich or die trying’ hustler the other typical stereotype is the bumbling feckless buffoon. The only threat that the buffoon offers is to his own self respect.

So if everyone in the Black community is completely dysfunctional it would stand to reason why there are low levels of marriage – we are all too crazy to settle down! This is of course hogwash. My parents have been happily married for nearly forty years. The majority of my Black female friends are also happily married to Black men. I have stated that in the UK and US Black men are falling behind Black women economically and educationally. This is making it harder for professional Black women to find suitable partners but it is far from impossible. In researching my film, I came across some bizarre and ridiculous ‘facts’. Apparently an educated Black woman has more chance of being hit by lightning than getting married. I also read statistics stating that 70% of Black women are single. When you remove the unmarried teens, divorcees and widows the figure is a lot closer to 59% (source Surviving Dating.com). Even then this number does not include gay women, cohabiting couples and those who don’t wish to marry.

The more educated Black women become the richer they become which leads to a greater say in society and changing the status quo. The hope must be that if Black women spend more time obsessing about their love lives, less time will be spent on becoming even more prosperous and influential. We live in a White patriarchal society where there are few winners and many losers. It is in these winners’s interest to retain the status quo. White women were fed a similar line a mere decade ago. I recall being constantly bombarded with medical reports stating that women’s fertility goes kaput after 35, the chances of ovarian cancer are raised if you haven’t been pregnant by your late thirties or that successful business women were more likely to end up married and childless. Career women were given a choice, choose either your personal or professional life – you can’t have both. This was scaremongering – pure and simple, an attempt to get women out of the boardroom and back in the kitchen. Unlike White women, Black women have always been expected to work. The lack of opportunities and exposure to high paying jobs meant that Black men and women both had to financially contribute to keep their families afloat. Today, Black women have greater choices and wealth creation opportunities. This should be celebrated not curtailed.

The advancement of Black women has class ramifications also. I have to admit that I am not the biggest Tyler Perry fan. I respect him for being a major player in the film industry and proving that Black enterprise can successfully sell to a Black audience. However, I don’t agree with the messages in his films. They typically depict a successful but cold businesswoman or a detached, damaged woman who falls in love with a salt of the earth janitor/ex convict/blue collar worker. Black women are effectively being discouraged to date/marry men with aspirations. It is not a matter of snobbery if professional women want to marry and date professional men. Should the expectations of Black women be less than women of other races? I doubt that Hilary Clinton would have given Bill a second look if he had been a janitor. As Black women continue to have greater options in life it will also raise their expectations of the men that they choose to have a life with. I don’t think this is a bad thing; hopefully it will encourage Black men to raise their game educationally and economically in order to attract women with higher expectations. To advise Black women to ‘date down’ is an attempt to sabotage their growth. This sabotage does not just affect women; it prevents the whole community from moving forward. It is ridiculous that Black women are deemed to be snobs just because they have higher aspirations; surely it is just common sense to want a man in your life with common aspirations? Opposites attract but similar people tend to stay together.

It’s frustrating how readily the Black community receives and spreads this way of thinking. I recall as a child the furore which surrounded ‘The Crosby Show’. There were members of the Black community who cited that it wasn’t authentic enough, that the majority of Black people were not doctors and lawyers. I don’t recall hearing White people residing in urban areas complaining about the plausibility of ‘The Waltons’. Why do we as a community reject positive images of ourselves? Why can’t we have an ideal to aspire to? Why are we so prepared to accept broken relationships, criminality and mediocrity as our reality? I am straight out of suburbia, not Compton – does this make me any less Black? I refuse to accept that my ambitions and aspirations should be limited because of the colour of my skin, even if that information is coming from other Black people.

Women of all races should expect to have fulfilling relationships. I will not bow down to the naysayers who want Black women to believe that there are no suitable men for us or that we must settle for any man who shows an interest. Yes there is a lack of eligible men in the Black community. I hope that the advancement of Black women will put the onus on all Black men to do the same in equal numbers. If that doesn’t work there are men of other races for consideration. Accepting the status quo means that there will be no advancement in our community. We should celebrate what Black women have achieved in spite of all the obstacles before them. What’s really disappointing is that the majority of Black owned media rarely promote positive images of Black people. They tend to accept stereotypical images. If we accept these mediocre versions of ourselves, how can we hope to achieve or prosper? If we don’t expect to see loving images of ourselves on the big and small screens, it helps build the false belief that loving Black relationships are only for the lucky few. Black women must expect to be loved and must be free to be successful in their professional lives. Yes there is a lot a false statistics out there but as Flava Flav so eloquently put it ‘Don’t believe the hype!’

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

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Submit, submit, submit!!

4 Apr

Welcome

Submission is a loaded word especially within relationships. Personally I don’t like it. I suppose that I should have waited to the conclusion to drop that bombshell but I thought it best to lay my cards on the table. Submission is about control and more importantly it’s about female control. It’s an ideology which seeks to determine what women think and do. I have debated this topic with various people who all try to convince me that the word just has a bad press and that there is more to submission than meets my cynical eye. Yet I am resolute, I just do not understand why any man would want a submissive woman. Surely a life partner who supports and challenges you does more for your personal growth than a mute ‘Stepford wife’?

To truly understand what submission means, let’s look at the word itself.

sub•mis•sion/səbˈmiSHən/
Noun: 1. The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.
2. An act of surrendering to a hold by one’s opponent.
Synonyms: obedience – subjection – subordination
(Source: Oxford Dictionary)

I just can’t see where submission has a place in a loving relationship. When I think of the word ‘yield’ I imagine my partner lurking in the shadows ready to pounce and wrestle me to the ground. I also cannot get on board with the idea of yielding to a ‘superior force’ or ‘the will or authority of another’. Women are expected to submit to men, therefore is a male a superior force just because of his gender? All because I was exposed to more X chromosome than Y chromosome in the womb am I now relegated to taking a passive position in life or regarded as a second class citizen devoid of any authority in the world or in my own relationship? I believe that love empowers people; it makes them the best that they can be. How can I be empowered and submissive at the same time?

I am a woman of faith and I am always brought back to the same part of scripture by those defending female submission:

‘Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a]her by the washing with water through the word,and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.’
Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV

The Bible is a spiritual and historical book. The world at the start of the millennia was very different place from the one we have now. Women were not educated and their upkeep was wholly dependent on their husbands. Women could not vote or have any say about any aspect of public life. A woman’s role was to care for children and the home. These women were completely at the mercy of their husbands as they had no means to generate an income. In that era it would have been unfathomable to think that a mere two thousand years later that women would become heads of state, breadwinners or just self sufficient individuals. Modern women cannot be expected to behave or condone behaviour that was accepted two thousand years ago. I also struggle with the idea of submitting myself to a man in the same way that I would show deference to God. Human beings are fallible; I don’t see how any mortal man has the spiritual authority to be my saviour.

I have been to several weddings were this quotation has been read out. In almost every instance the main emphasis has been about the wife’s submission and very little focus is placed upon the husband’s responsibilities to the marriage. I find it ironic that the little submissive wife is held accountable for the success of the relationship. I have sat through a few homilies (by men and women) which have gone on at great length to state how men need to be respected, how nagging erodes a man sense of self worth, how women must be patient with their men and follow through with their decisions even if they are wrong. It is not the place of a mere wife to point out her husband’s shortcomings. He will arrive at a level of higher understanding by himself. Yet I have rarely heard a pastor or priest informing a groom that he should be prepared to sacrifice his life for his wife or that all of his actions should place her happiness at the forefront. The quotation asks for a woman’s submission in exchange for her husband’s continued sacrifice. It seems like a bum deal if Christian women are being asked to be submissive in the first instance and remain silent even if their husbands do not live up to their end of the bargain.

Very fixed gender roles are a disservice to both men and women. They portray women as whiny harridans who need to know their place. No two women will be the same type of wife. Different women are just that, different. It also suggests that all a woman can bring to a marriage is a womb, clean laundry, cooked meals and a warm bed. This completely disregards the various skills that each woman has. What if I am better at handling finances than my husband, am I correct in letting him lose the household money for fear of denting his manly pride? There is also an inference that men have a fragile sense of their masculinity. Would they suddenly morph into emasculated eunuchs if not treated like deities in their homes? A real man does not have to beat his chest in order to know what his gender is. I am always very suspicious of anyone who needs others to be weak in order to have a full sense of self. These types of people do not need a subservient partner; they probably need some form of counselling.

This type of thinking is not just prevalent in certain churches, mosques or temples. I have met many men who are atheists or do not believe in a formalised religion but hold the ideal of the submissive wife close to their hearts. Apparently, feminism has ruined everything with women behaving like men and undermining the role of men in society. Men of this ilk need to stop focusing on what women are doing and look at what they are bringing to the table. They cannot complain when single mothers and absentee fathers are on the rise. For the record, I am totally against pitting the sexes against each other. The fact is we need one another. However, I celebrate the fact that women have more options than ever before. Women have greater choices and have higher expectation of potential partners. They don’t just need a breadwinner to keep a roof over their head; they need a life partner to love, cherish and grow old with.

Love is a choice and keeping that love depends on a series of choices made everyday. I choose to do things to make my partner happy because making him happy makes me happy. Likewise, I am sure that he would prefer to watch the football instead of proof reading my posts but he does it to show his support for my work. We are not mutually considerate because we are yielding to one another; we choose to make the other happy. There are many women who are happy being housewives and expect their husbands to make the final decisions about their lives. However, it is still a choice made by those couples. Everyone should be free to forge the type of relationship which works for them, with each person having the space to develop and grow in that union. Submission is about control not consideration. Why would anyone want to be controlled by the person they choose to be with? Real love is something that cannot be forced; it develops of its own accord. If I have free will to believe in God, surely I am free to demonstrate how I love the man in my life.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Sudelicious

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