Welcome
Love might be a battlefield but sex is most definitely a minefield. It’s an activity which some fear, some crave and others use as leverage over another. The female form is such a public commodity, yet female sexuality invokes such fear in men that society goes to great lengths to repress the female libido.
The traditional view is that women should be under the gaze of men. We do not have sexual feelings of our own instead our role is to evoke desire from men. So in short women are sexually passive and unless we are attractive enough to be desired by men there is very little point to our existence. We incite but do not receive sexual gratification. This way of thinking is not only ridiculous but it’s very dangerous. It places the responsibility of sexual violence on the victim (typically women) away from the aggressor (typically men). The crime becomes the incitement of sexual violence as opposed to the act itself. It also sets women up to believe that their only value is in their sexuality.
This is a bum deal any which way you look at it. Women are encouraged to become sexual objects and yet are blamed when their objectification becomes violent or predatory such as rape or prostitution. If it’s fair to assume that most men enjoy sex why is there such resistance to women becoming sexual beings as opposed to sexual objects? In 2012, women are still being discussed in terms of their sexuality and fertility. Issues such as contraception and abortion are being debated by men in a Presidential campaign. In various African and Middle Eastern countries, female mutilation is still used as a means to control female sexual activity. By removing the tip of the clitoris, parts of the surrounding labia and sewing up the rest of the vagina just to leave enough room for menstruation and urine; it ensures that the act is so painful that it is unlikely that she will seek extra marital sex. In the West, authors such as Steve Harvey still associate shame with female sexuality, blaming women for sleeping with men early in their relationship as justification for a man not to see her as potential wife material.
Linking shame and female sexuality has been spread by all of the main religions. Traditional gender roles devised by men were endorsed by religious doctrine. I am a woman of faith and as I have stated before only God has dominion over me. That said I could not honestly endorse sexual recklessness as I believe we are all precious and should treat our bodies as such. However, I cannot endorse hypocritical specialist treatment of one group of people based on their gender, race or creed. A woman should be free to express her sexuality free from reproach. There are some women who are completely asexual, others who have no intention of having one sexual partner and those who are waiting for marriage before having sex. No one has the right to coerce shame or influence what a woman does or does not do with her body.
That freedom should be grasped by Black women. At present, Black female sexuality is badly misrepresented. We are often presented as insatiable, exotic nymphomaniacs. In the past I have been approached by White men who were curious about being with a Black woman. I have no idea what they expected, a simultaneous juggling act, fireworks or an accompanying brass band? Women are women. That may have destroyed the fantasy for millions but it’s the boring truth. Within the Black community, Black female sexuality is also very limited. We get three options: the mother, Church/good girl or video vixen/gold digger. The virtuous mother puts her own desires on ice and makes her children/family her only focus. The good girl offers sex in return for marriage. At the other end of the spectrum we have the video vixen type who is one step away from a blow up doll with a pulse. In the music video or in the club you’ll find her shaking that booty for male valuation and cash.
Black women are varied and diverse. I refuse to be stereotyped by anyone. Sexual expression should be determined by the individual. My sexual history is not linked to my worth. I am always very suspicious of men who are overly interested in their partners’ romantic past. I think it has more to do with their low self-esteem and a fear of failing to satisfy their partner. On the flip side there is still the rampant over sexualisation of women. I don’t know why every female pop star has to become increasingly provocative to prove that she is an adult musician. I am also disappointed with the way Black women are presented in Hip Hop videos. These women are nothing more than accessories, making said rapper look like a Lothario at the expense of their self-respect. This isn’t sexual liberation it is sexual manipulation, reinforcing that a woman’s body is her key attribute. Ultimately, it is still a masculine ideal of female sexuality.
Women taking control of their sexuality undermines male’s dominance. It stops women seeking male validation. We are empowered to become more than our bodies and can focus on our own pleasures and accomplishments. It also elevates what women require in a mate, if they require a mate at all. This will be embraced by men who are looking for a union of equals. Those with low self-esteem will be the most resistant to female emancipation. They doubt that when given the choice that a woman would choose them. Black women should not accept any attempt to pigeonhole and stereotype them. I do not have to be a virgin to be valued by men nor do I have to express my sexuality like a man in order to claim the same sexual rights as one.
Please let me know your thoughts
Sudelicious
Bravo! Hun I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. This is how feel but you articulated it so well. Can I share this article?xxx
Thank you Ms Mollie!,,,,
Please feel free to share. Xx
We, Black women, need our own media so badly. As it stands we are always seen through the lens of someone else. And that just isn’t acceptable any longer.
Hi Val
I totally agree with you. Black women are shown through a very distorted lens, we are more than capable of representing ourselves.
Hi
Again you leave me speechless. Blackwomen have always been subjugated yet sexualized. We need to go back to the days of the 60′s and 70′s where we owned and controlled our own images…
I’m trying to get back to that..Black organization and power…black businesses and schools. We can do it.
Hi Ms TBT
I agree with you and I believe it can be done. I think it’s important that Black women have their own voice and that we are not put under the umbrella of ‘Black’ or ‘Women’. I think this has happened for too long and explains why we have been caricatured at best or totally ignored.
To be honest, that’s why when most people meet me, in person, they have no idea what to make of me.
It’s good to keep people guessing
Were you reading my mind. This is on point!
Thank you, Ms Bougie
Reblogged this on Bougie Black Girl and commented:
Author Sudelicious of the blog Black Woman White Dress examines Black women’s sexuality in her awesome article ” Three Letter Word.” Enjoy!
Totally sharing
I really appreciate your support. Thanks again
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I LOVE THIS! A woman has a sexual urge that is followed up on, OMG, LOL!! My Dad did teach me “never on the first night”, but for the most part, there are scores of women who have been married for 30+ years…after the first night. As a over 45 woman I too got sick of wondering if I “screwed” up my chances of marriage because of the “sex” thing. Tired of the guilt trip! Keep this type of talk up, particularly for Black Women; we need the freedom!!
Thank you so much for your kind words. The guilt tripping has got to stop. The double standard is ridiculous and puts both men and women under an unnecessary amount of pressure.