Welcome
The Creflo Dollar story was a major talking point recently. Does a 50 year old man really have the right to choke his 15 year old daughter and then deny any wrongdoing in the pulpit? It brought several issues to the fore; the role of new Christian churches in the Black community; are charismatic preachers truly men of God or opportunistic snake oil salesmen and most importantly, why are the rights of Black men constantly pitted against the rights of Black women?
I have always believed that Black women need a different type of feminism to counterbalance the challenges they face. Unlike White women, Black women have both White and Black patriarchy to contend with. I find the level of vitriol levied at 15 year old Ms Dollar very distasteful. She was demonised as a liar, unruly and deserving of the physical abuse she suffered. My father raised two daughters without raising a fist or a shoe.
The most dangerous aspect of Black patriarchy is that it supports the lie that only Black men suffer from the negative effects of racism. Somehow, Black women are exempt and their main role is to prop up Black men and the rest of the Black community. Admittedly, young Black men do run a greater risk of racist violence/death – the Trayvon Martin and Stephen Lawrence murders being clear examples on both sides of the Atlantic. However, the Black community continuously underplays the exposure to racial violence that Black women have faced. There are between 154 to 159 reported cases of Black female lynching in the U.S. The vast majority of these women were also raped. (Source: henriettavintondavis.wordpress.com) Scores of young female students were also killed in the 1976 Soweto uprising in South Africa. Black women were also hosed and mauled by dogs during the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s. Black women and men share the same history, the painful legacy of slavery, colonialism and racism.
Modern day institutionalised racism continues to affect both genders. In the UK, Black men are seven times more likely to be stopped and searched by the police (Source: The Guardian). According to Law Professor Michelle Alexander:
‘More African American men are in prison, jail, on probation or parole than were enslaved in 1850, before the Civil War began.’
(Source: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness)
Yet this is not a gender specific problem. The levels of Black female imprisonment are also at endemic proportions. In the US, 93 out of every 100,000 White women were incarcerated by mid 2008. During the same period, 349 out of every 100,000 Black women were incarcerated. (Source: http://www.wpaonline.org). There is a definite inference within the Black community that Black women are somehow immune from the affects of racism. Anecdotally, I have met several Black men who believe that they are owed patience from Black women because their lives are infinitely harder. That is obviously untrue but it does beg the question, why is there such a lack of support for Black women within the Black community?
The answer is Black patriarchy. It is a system which places the needs of Black women below the needs of Black men. A clear example is the Creflo Dollar case, where the liberty of a violent father is considered to be more important than the emotional and physical well being of a 15 year old girl. In the R.Kelly case, the only important factor should have been whether he ‘allegedly’ had sex with an underage girl not the young lady’s sexual history. I also never understood the overwhelming support that OJ Simpson received from the Black community when he had sought to distance himself from them as he became famous. This was a Black man who would have never married a Black woman yet, the moment he found himself on the wrong side of the law he expected support from the Black community.
In researching for my film I met and read the thoughts of Black women online that refuse to date Black men. The main reasons cited for their decisions were lack of trust. They believe that Black men only want to use them are unable to remain faithful and have little desire to become loving husbands and fathers. It is none of my business who people choose to love and I wish the very best for anyone lucky enough to love and be loved in equal measure. That said I find it desperately sad that there is a growing number of Black women who feel this way. I know that I am lucky; I have been surrounded by loving Black men my whole life – my father, my partner, uncles, cousins and nephews. However, the Black community champions people such as Steve Harvey who promotes the idea that all men are players and that Black women just need to get used to it. Dark skinned Black women are invisible in music videos and in general. Hip hop artists refer to women who most resemble themselves as bitches and hoes. Various Black churches advise Black women to pray, wait and put the needs of everyone else ahead of theirs. Black patriarchy offers no protection, care, and respect for Black women.
I want to be very clear; this is not an anti male piece. There are many Black women who collude with Black patriarchy. These women encourage other women to become pregnant for a man who offers little, to justify their own life choices. With limited emotional and financial support, these women are promoting a life of hardship. Why not encourage young women to pursue enterprise or education, to become financially independent and make life decisions from a position of strength? These are the same type of women who wrote horrible comments about Rhianna after Chris Brown assaulted her. Their support condones domestic abuse. We have lonely women who blindly follow charismatic preachers. The New Testament states that we all have the same spiritual power; a preacher/pastor/priest’s role is to teach the word not to tell people what to do with their lives. I am not a subordinate; I am equal partner in a mutual beneficial relationship. There are also women, who put their boyfriends/romantic interests ahead of their children’s safety. They expose their children to men of questionable integrity all because they want a man to validate them. There are women who will take on board the opinions of men such as Steve Harvey, when it is clear that being thrice divorced proves that he knows little about marriage or how to make a woman happy. There are women who put down other Black women for being too dark, too Afrocentric, too demanding, not being submissive enough, too ambitious, too fat, too skinny, too stuck up or for not having a big enough butt.
Black patriarchy brings division within the Black community. Without harmony between the sexes, there is no platform to deal with the negative effects of institutional racism. We need a new brand of feminism to counteract this. There is no need to burn bras as Black women are already progressing educationally and financially. The lack is an emotional one. What we need is a greater expression of love. A daughter should expect her father to protect her from harm, a girlfriend to be cherished by her lover, for young black girls to be protected from sexual predators and for the Black community to call for justice when a Black woman is attacked even if the aggressor is a Black man. That love needs to spread throughout the community. We have had Black power, the time has come for Black love. Black men should become feminists too. We need to develop an appreciation of ourselves. Too often our sense of worth is dependent on external factors: wealth, status, the validation of others. This puts us in such a precarious position, ripe to be exploited by smooth talking charlatans, or by hip hop artists who spew the self hate that too many believe to be true. Love is powerful; it gives the recipient hope, purpose, faith, inspiration and courage. These are all of the ingredients needed to live a life worth living. Black patriarchy promotes dominion instead of co-operation. It benefits the few at the expense of us all.
Please let me know your thoughts
Sudelicious
Love this piece! I do believe that Black Men should be leaders in their homes and in their communities. My Mother may have run the show, but My Dad was clearly in charge (and not in a choke his daughters to get his point across way). This is a “normal” framework as men need something to lead, do, achieve, etc. However, I agree that the guilt trip hurled at Black Women (a la Steve Harvey) is played out! Trauma has been experienced by all. And for those Black Women who are growing increasingly tired of Black Men, a man is a man is a man: Black, White, Latino, etc. Color will not make a man be more trustworthy than another. I have White female friends whose White husband(s) treated them like dirt, rubbed it in, and kicked their self esteem to the floor. So I believe in femininity from a strength point of view; and masculinity from at protective point of view. We have to learn to coexist and heal, together. Love this!!
Hello Sides 2 Truth
I totally agree. Men are men and they all come with their different issues and problems. We need to come together and work together.
Glad you like the piece
Hey sista always a fan of your work keep em coming!
Thanks Ronyii
Xx
The problem I have with this in dealing with Creflo’s daughter is the continued stance of people to make her a martyr in this situation. She should not be abused, she should be protected, but she is not a saint and we have to look at the situation in its entirety. I know someone who worked personally within this man’s ministry and attested that Lauren is rude and extreemley disrespectful of her parents as are her two older sisters. He did not support what Creflo did, but he did allude that was there is more to this story than what the media is putting out there. Lauren is a spoiled party girl with alot of mouth that her father executed too much force with. I repeat she did not deserve to be manhandled, but I do agree there is more to this story than meets the eye.
Hi Awahili
I have never met Ms Dollar and she could be all the things that mention in your response. However, you cannot judge the behaviour of a 15 year old child in the same way you judge a 50 year old man. If Mr Dollar raised a brat then he has to take responsibility for that but he cannot use excessive force. He is a grown man and should be in control of himself. That for me is the point that keeps getting lost. The onus of blame/responsibility should be on the adult and not the child.
Exactly! I’m amazed by the amount of people who feel as if the child deserved it. I was raised in a home with a dad (who never laid a hand on me) and 6 brothers (who also never hit me) and I was a very flippant kid.
He should have handled that better.
I know!!!! She’s a teenager being flippant and rebellious is what they do. I think that some people believe that it is better to be feared than loved. You raise kids, you don’t own them
I for one never said the girl DESERVED it. I also said that Crefo had NO BUSINESS man handling her. The problem in these discussions is that people blind themselves to what does not appeal to their argument . I said that we do not have the whole story and that we have to keep things in balance. I said before the person I am aquainted with worked inside this ministry up close and personal (can any of us say that?) and he said Creflo was out of line for how he handled the situation, but he also said Lauren along with her older sister have a history of disrespecting their parents. (He even provided proof) . i will say it again I do not defend Creflo’s actions if he did this, I am saying do we have the whole story.
I met a woman a few days ago who is an attorney who specializes in family law and has done so for the last 14 years. We discussed this situation and she essentially explained to me that the reason why Creflo was arrested is because whenever there is an accusation of abuse the authorities have to act on it, lest later a child winds up dead due to them not taking appropriate action. HOWEVER she did say that a good number of teens do manipulate the law to their advantage against their parents. She said all they have to do is say certain trigger words and they know it will bring the authorities down on their parents. Once they learn those words many abuse them. She shared two cases with me in point.
Case #1
One of her clients a 13 year old boy involved in a custody battle between his parents over him told the authorities at school that his father tried to choke him. it was later discovered he lied because he was using his Ipod in class and did not want to get into trouble with his father (who would have grounded him). When he was in the holding room with his father, his father asked him why he did this and he was not happy about his lies. The boy smirked and said “you know I can push this button if you say something I don’t like RIGHT?”. The boy manipulated the entire system by lying on his father to break his parents joint custody agreement so he could live with his mother full time because she was not as strict as his father and used the situation with the IPOD to get that done.
Case #2
This client was a teen girl who had been sexually abused as a five year old. A wealthy relative took guardianship of her and put her in private school. She learned all she had to say was “so and so was ‘inappropriate’ with me” (her trigger phrase)and people were either arrested or fired. Two innocent teachers were fired from their jobs because of her false accusations. She abused this phrase and wreaked havoc in the lives of innocent people.
Children need to be protected from abusive and dangerous situations, but this protection is to give them a safe enviroment to grow and mature into stable adults is NOT to give them carte blanche to abuse the system to their advantage at the expense of innocent parents and adults trying to provide for them with lies and exaggerations.. In defense of the children too many people absolve kids of any wrongdoing in the name of protecting them so it empowers them to keep pulling stunts knowing they will not be held accountable. I do not speak of children being legitimately neglected and abused but the ones who escalate a swat on the butt up to “my dad threw me down the stairs”.
I know with me saying all this all of what i said will be dismissed and the “yeah but Creflo was a grown a** man and he should not have touched a 15 year old” mantra will be repeated to the nth degree that point is a dead horse we know this, BUT there has to be a place of balance where children are protected but are held accountable within the proper boundaries in conjunction with their age for actions that are destructive to themselves and their families. As I said before , we do not have the whole story on this situation.
P.S. @bayoucreole, you comment about your father falls under the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” you said yourself you were a flippant child then said your father should have handled it better. Huh? If he had been more aggressive and strict he would have been labled abusive. Which bring up another problem parents face these days if a parent is more strict (no punching and choking involved) they are seen as abusive if they are more lenient then they should have done better. Seems to me now days parents are screwed no matter what they do.
Hi Awahili
I never presumed that you thought it was okay for Mr Dollar to hit his daughter. I am just saying that there are no circumstances were that is acceptable. Yes there might be kids who lie against their parents but this is the exception and not the norm. As a civilised society we should protect our young. If you could raise a child who be prepared to do this, it is fair to say that the parents didn’t teach said child about honesty or empathy for others
For the record I will say it again. no child should be abused (that goes for Lauren Dollar as well) but in order for any situation to be judged properly we need all the facts involved. My god-daughter when she was little would run and hide under the table when the great aunt who adopted her would come to check on her at school. The teachers called CPS and her aunt was arrested and booked. We found out later that it was her father who was abusing her (before she was adopted) so she would run and hide from adults out of habit. But the teachers automatically assumed it was her aunt doing the abusing. I am sure the teachers thought they were protecting my god-daughter but without all the facts they had an innocent woman arrested. DISCLAIMER : I am not saying Creflo is innocent (for those determined to read that in my statement), I am saying having all the facts makes a difference.
Sudelicious In speaking with my colleague the attorney, the lying on the parents is not rare like the hope diamond , she says it happens ALL THE TIME. It is not in every case but a good number according to her in her law practice spanning 14 years. that is why having ALL the facts is crucial so that innocent people are not harmed be it the child or the parent.
I am sure that there are more kids who are being abused, then there are kids lying about abuse. I think for two sisters to say the same story, I doubt it’s a lie. However, the point behind my piece was what Black patriarchy does to the Black community. Mr Dollar doesn’t get a free pass just because he runs a mega church. He will have to prove his innocence just like anyone else in the same circumstances.
I agree.There are many more kids who are being abused than there are kids lying about abuse. I’ve been a NURSE for many,many years and the abuse I’ve seen kids receive from their parents is just mind-blowing. Parents walk in the ER with a kid who has clearly been abused(burned,beaten…you name it) and the parent comes up with some cock-n-bull story about what happened to the kid. X-rays showing bones that were broken,…it’s crazy. And if both of the sisters are saying the same thing, there’s probably some validity to the story.
I totally agree with you. The liars will never outweigh those enduring abuse.
Nice post.
Thanks Reggie.
Hey Bees in My Bonnet
Thank you very much …
Hi Becky
Thanks for the link love
Sudelicious