This week, by some strange coincidence I stumbled across three articles by Black women advising other Black women to date White men exclusively. They expressed extreme dissatisfaction with Black men labelling them feckless and narcissistic womanisers. I think it’s a good thing that Black women widen their horizons and are open to date men outside their race. Simply put it’s a numbers game and there are not enough eligible Black men to go round. All women deserve the opportunity to be loved and cherished. If that love comes from a man of a different race then so be it. That said I am not in favour of the unwarranted positive discrimination that some Black women give White men. There are good fathers, wife beaters and love cheats to be found in every race. In the Western world, White men are in the majority so it stands to reason that there is a higher probability of finding more eligible men to date or marry from that racial group. By that same token the probability is also higher that you will meet more undesirable White men. Divorce rates in the US are the highest among the White community at 27% compared to 22% in the Black community. (Source Assisted Divorce Agency). Successful relationships are hard for everyone to get right irrespective of race.
Regarding interracial relationships there is a lot of hypocrisy in the Black community. On both sides of the Atlantic, Black men are more likely to date outside their race, than any other. Yet there is loud condemnation when a Black woman decides to do the same. Who Black women choose to love is their business and their business alone. The arrogance to believe that we will happily wait on the shelf until a Black man decides to grace us with his time is ridiculous. If Black men are truly concerned with the men that Black women date become the type of man who a Black woman would want to date.
The uncomfortable truth is that there is a shortage of eligible Black men of marriageable age. In the UK Black men are seven times more likely to be jailed and in the US it’s four times higher. Unemployment is also seven times more likely to be experienced by British men of colour. The problem lies primarily with the insufficient level of education that a large number of Black men are receiving. In 2004, the Ofsted report stated that a combination of low expectation, a lack of positive role models and racism from teachers creates a perfect storm for Black male under achievement. To compound the problem, there is a belief in certain quarters that being academic is somehow feminine and that hustling should be the occupation of choice. I despair at this way of thinking. All teenage boys, irrespective of race typically underperform at school for fear of alienating their peers. However, institutional racism means that Black men face more obstacles than their White counterparts to obtain their daily bread. We all need money to survive, that’s a universal truth which will never change. The main paths to financial freedom are education, legal enterprise or a money-making talent (sports, music etc). It requires a high level of self belief to follow these paths. If excluded from these routes to financial freedom, the only option left is criminality. Children of incarcerated fathers are also five times more likely to become prisoners themselves. The sad outcome is that we have generation after generation of young Black men who will spend the best years of their lives behind bars.
I do have a serious problem with this hyper masculine hustler/player persona. Following this way of thinking is a fool’s errand. Impressionable young Black men believe that they can outwit the system. Every man behind bars has not ‘stuck it to the man’ instead they are the ones stuck in a cell. This desire to play outside the rules also extends to relationships. Having a harem of women might work for 50 Cent but it does not work outside a hip hop music video. A lack of willingness to commit to one woman is a sign of emotional immaturity not virility. I don’t understand what anyone would gain from wilfully deceiving a person who loves you. How can behaving like a sociopath lacking in honesty and empathy benefit anyone?
Thankfully, not every Black man adopts this cold-hearted hustler persona but there are another group of men who are just as annoying. Let’s call these type of guys the ‘entitled employed’. Just because a man has a job, car and a place to live it doesn’t make you the catch of the century. You are not the second coming, even if your mother seems to think so. You do not get a round of applause for being a responsible grown up. Black women should not be grateful because they are dating a man who has a nine to five job and pays his taxes, it’s what should be expected. I recall the case of Ghanaian rouge trader Kweku Adboli, who was arrested for $2 billion fraud from his employer Credit Suisse. Instead of hearing loud condemnation for his crime, I met a lot of young single ladies who rued the missed opportunity to meet this high-flyer before the police slapped handcuffs on him.
To conclude, Black women face a sharp dilemma between dating men who share a common history or a common future. In spite of all the odds Black women are making strides in education and their careers. There is a lack Black men who are at that level. They exist but there are in the minority. Black men face a lot of obstacles in society but the promotion of this macho player persona only compounds our problems. Our men need to grab and create opportunities as no one else will do it for them. It has got to a stage that gainfully employed Black men feel that there are on par with Donald Trump. A man is more than his job but you can’t provide for your family without one. Black woman deserve a loving relationship with a person whom they share common beliefs and values. We owe it to ourselves to be open-minded as to who that man can be. If that man comes from a different race so be it. However, Black women need to remember that there are White criminals and players too. More time should be spent examining the content of a man’s character and not being swayed by swagger, wealth or race.
Please let me know your thoughts.