Tag Archives: sexuality

Men are not for sharing

2 Oct

Welcome

I have never been entirely convinced by the idea that men struggle with fidelity. I don’t believe that their sex drives are so high that if they do not have it away with a different woman every day of the week that they will self combust. This type of thinking is really disrespectful to scores of men out there. It debases them, making men out to be mindless drones controlled by their hormones. It’s very simple, if men want to be faithful, they will be.

That said; where does the belief that men struggle with fidelity and that somehow women do not comes from? As we all know both men and women cheat. In the UK a statistician, Dr Catherine Mercer spoke to 2000 people and questioned them about their sexual activity within a year. 15% of men had been unfaithful compared to 9% of women (source: BBC) Based on this small study and general consensus we can ascertain that men are still more likely to cheat. However, the chances are that they are cheating with single women who wouldn’t appear in these stats but whose behaviour is just as complicit.

The big question is why do we expect men to find it hard to remain sexually exclusive? Male sexuality is seen as this insatiable, uncontrollable force. Yes I am a feminist but here’s a news flash, I like men. I even live with one. I don’t deny that the average man thinks about sex more than the average woman but how they express their sexuality is complicated and dependent on the individual.

So the next big question is why are men encouraged to demonstrate their sexuality in a uniformed way. It all boils down to gender stereotypes. Women are supposed to crave love but hate sex, men love sex but hate emotion and so both parties trade to get what they want. Women who step out of this norm and dare admit that they love sex are sluts and men who admit that they like snuggling are seen as wimps. Ultimately control is name of the game. If a man has sex with a lot of women, the chances that he will have a limited emotional connection, if any with his sleeping partners. That detachment brings control. He can come and go as he pleases; his conquests’ emotional well being is not a priority, if it were he would not be sleeping around. True strength of character comes from being vulnerable and genuine with the people in your life. I think that serial cheaters prevent themselves from having honest, loving relationships.

Whenever I have debated men and fidelity, the polygamy counter argument rears its ugly head. Men aren’t meant to be faithful; one man can impregnate several women at a time, blah blah blah. What a lot of men fail to realise is that in all polygamous society only the wealthy could afford to marry. This would typically be the elder men in the community who had land, wealth and livestock. The upshot being that poorer, younger men would be excluded from the marriage pool. There are areas in the world where this practice continues. These unmarried men are more likely to partake in risky illegal behaviours. Joe Henrich, a leading anthropologist saw a rise of rapes, gang activity general disturbance in men who stood little chance of marrying. Love and family life gives a man motivation to invest in the wider community. I am intrigued to see how countries such as China and India will fare in the future. Both countries have seen a massive decline in the female population due to, infanticide, sex selection abortions and the one child policy. According to a study by the BBC, 8 million female foetuses were aborted in India in the last decade. By 2030 projections suggest that 25% of the male Chinese population will never marry due to the low number of female to male ratio (Source Forbes magazine). It would be ironic that an enforced bachelor life might bring about more social disturbance than war or a financial crisis. It just highlights how strong the human desire is to love, be loved, to care and be cared for by others.

To conclude, monogamy works. Now I am not a member of the sex police. There are many people who don’t want conventional relationships. What two consenting and equally informed adults get up to is their business. At different points of our lives we look for different things in our relationships. In my early 20′s marriage was the last thing on my mind. The point of this post is that I don’t believe that men are hard wired to be unfaithful. I do believe that men are encouraged to focus on the physical pleasure and not necessarily the emotional connection to be found in sex. This way of thinking hurts us all. In order to have a real connection we all have to be honest and vulnerable or what’s the point? The love that we are shown and we show to others are the ties that bind us to our families, communities etc. Monogamous relationships instead of being perceived as the ball and chain provide the platform to experience emotional, spiritual and physical love. That type of love requires concentration, tenacity and most importantly exclusivity. None of us have enough within to give that type of love to several people at a time.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

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The three letter word

5 Jun

Welcome

Love might be a battlefield but sex is most definitely a minefield. It’s an activity which some fear, some crave and others use as leverage over another. The female form is such a public commodity, yet female sexuality invokes such fear in men that society goes to great lengths to repress the female libido.

The traditional view is that women should be under the gaze of men. We do not have sexual feelings of our own instead our role is to evoke desire from men. So in short women are sexually passive and unless we are attractive enough to be desired by men there is very little point to our existence. We incite but do not receive sexual gratification. This way of thinking is not only ridiculous but it’s very dangerous. It places the responsibility of sexual violence on the victim (typically women) away from the aggressor (typically men). The crime becomes the incitement of sexual violence as opposed to the act itself. It also sets women up to believe that their only value is in their sexuality.

This is a bum deal any which way you look at it. Women are encouraged to become sexual objects and yet are blamed when their objectification becomes violent or predatory such as rape or prostitution. If it’s fair to assume that most men enjoy sex why is there such resistance to women becoming sexual beings as opposed to sexual objects? In 2012, women are still being discussed in terms of their sexuality and fertility. Issues such as contraception and abortion are being debated by men in a Presidential campaign. In various African and Middle Eastern countries, female mutilation is still used as a means to control female sexual activity. By removing the tip of the clitoris, parts of the surrounding labia and sewing up the rest of the vagina just to leave enough room for menstruation and urine; it ensures that the act is so painful that it is unlikely that she will seek extra marital sex. In the West, authors such as Steve Harvey still associate shame with female sexuality, blaming women for sleeping with men early in their relationship as justification for a man not to see her as potential wife material.

Linking shame and female sexuality has been spread by all of the main religions. Traditional gender roles devised by men were endorsed by religious doctrine. I am a woman of faith and as I have stated before only God has dominion over me. That said I could not honestly endorse sexual recklessness as I believe we are all precious and should treat our bodies as such. However, I cannot endorse hypocritical specialist treatment of one group of people based on their gender, race or creed. A woman should be free to express her sexuality free from reproach. There are some women who are completely asexual, others who have no intention of having one sexual partner and those who are waiting for marriage before having sex. No one has the right to coerce shame or influence what a woman does or does not do with her body.

That freedom should be grasped by Black women. At present, Black female sexuality is badly misrepresented. We are often presented as insatiable, exotic nymphomaniacs. In the past I have been approached by White men who were curious about being with a Black woman. I have no idea what they expected, a simultaneous juggling act, fireworks or an accompanying brass band? Women are women. That may have destroyed the fantasy for millions but it’s the boring truth. Within the Black community, Black female sexuality is also very limited. We get three options: the mother, Church/good girl or video vixen/gold digger. The virtuous mother puts her own desires on ice and makes her children/family her only focus. The good girl offers sex in return for marriage. At the other end of the spectrum we have the video vixen type who is one step away from a blow up doll with a pulse. In the music video or in the club you’ll find her shaking that booty for male valuation and cash.

Black women are varied and diverse. I refuse to be stereotyped by anyone. Sexual expression should be determined by the individual. My sexual history is not linked to my worth. I am always very suspicious of men who are overly interested in their partners’ romantic past. I think it has more to do with their low self-esteem and a fear of failing to satisfy their partner. On the flip side there is still the rampant over sexualisation of women. I don’t know why every female pop star has to become increasingly provocative to prove that she is an adult musician. I am also disappointed with the way Black women are presented in Hip Hop videos. These women are nothing more than accessories, making said rapper look like a Lothario at the expense of their self-respect. This isn’t sexual liberation it is sexual manipulation, reinforcing that a woman’s body is her key attribute. Ultimately, it is still a masculine ideal of female sexuality.

Women taking control of their sexuality undermines male’s dominance. It stops women seeking male validation. We are empowered to become more than our bodies and can focus on our own pleasures and accomplishments. It also elevates what women require in a mate, if they require a mate at all. This will be embraced by men who are looking for a union of equals. Those with low self-esteem will be the most resistant to female emancipation. They doubt that when given the choice that a woman would choose them. Black women should not accept any attempt to pigeonhole and stereotype them. I do not have to be a virgin to be valued by men nor do I have to express my sexuality like a man in order to claim the same sexual rights as one.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

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The trouble with love

21 Mar

Welcome

Love…. It’s what we all crave and makes the world go round. Why is it so hard to find and harder still to keep? I interviewed a woman for my film that came up with a very interesting concept. She said that people expect ‘microwaveable relationships’. This is where love can be put it on full power for a minute, left to stand for thirty seconds and ready to go. If modern love is now all about instant gratification, it stands to reasons that people expect an upgrade every 18 months.

Modernity has brought speed into every aspect of daily life. Food takes a minute to cook, purchases can be made with a single click, and everything can be uploaded or downloaded in less than a second. This insatiable desire for speed clouds the way we see our emotional relationships. Our lifestyles may have changed over time but human nature hasn’t. Long lasting bonds between people doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to get to know someone properly. I am always bemused when people claim to be in love in such a short space of time. How can you possibly be in love with someone you don’t know? Love requires true knowledge of another person; lust simply requires desire and a lot less information. The problem is that the lines between the two have been blurred. If I desire you, I must have you and therefore I must love you. For some people, relationships are like acquiring a car or handbag where the thrill is all about obtaining a new commodity and then it’s on to the next adrenaline high.

In modern relationships the focus is now about instant chemistry, the attraction, the sexual thrill and the fireworks. In the past I have been guilty of that way of thinking, expecting to hear fanfare from the heavens when I met my Mr Right. Effectively we are encouraged to base our relationship choices on what our eyes and sexual organs tell us. It’s not that I don’t trust the lower regions of my body but I know that a washboard stomach is more sexually stimulating than a trustworthy character but the latter is more important in a long term partner. If we focus on the superficial, how can we expect to have deep and meaningful relationships? I am not advocating for people to date people that they are not attracted to. Sexual attraction is important as it separate friends from potential lovers. It just can’t be the only filtering system we use to weed out the compatible from the incompatible.

When it comes to love, two should be the magic number. I don’t understand why people date individuals to curry favour with others. Once the number of people in your relationship exceeds two, it’s fair to say that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. The person needing the external validation is making the relationship all about them and their issues. To have a beautiful girlfriend or a wealthy boyfriend means that I am desirable, that I am ok. If you are doing all the taking, what exactly are you offering the other person? You are also limiting your partner by focusing on one small aspect of who they are. No one is just defined by their looks or status. You have not taken the time to figure out what makes them unique as a person. If you ignore the various facets of their character you are effectively having a relationship with a stranger.

While I am in full rant mode, I blame the entire rom-com film industry for making relationships seem so easy. This is a seriously misleading fantasy. To truly love someone is hard work. As Chris Rock once said ‘You have never been in love unless you have contemplated murder’. We are all stubborn and selfish creatures. Loving someone requires so much compromising, listening, trust, patience – the list is endless. All you can hope is that you choose someone that is worth the effort. Real love is such hard graft because the process should make you a better person. If what you have is real it should bring about growth. To grow you need to make yourself vulnerable to embrace a new way of being and loving. It is not easy and will take most of us a lifetime to get it right.

So how can you be sure if someone is worth loving? No one wants to waste all that effort on a dud. Simply, take the time to get to know them. Even then there are no guarantees – things change, people change and often not at the same pace. Love may be many a splendid thing but it is not an instant thing. We live in age which is obsessed with self and instant gratification even at the expense of others. We spend too much of our time expecting good things to come to us without any struggle or limited effort on our part. I don’t believe that love hurts and if a relationship is diminishing you, you need to escape pronto. We are all too precious to allow anyone to waste our time and break our hearts. If love is not making you better it will only leave you bitter.

How does this tie in with Black women and marriage I hear you ask? Well Black women don’t come from outer space; we too are exposed to the same mass media messages. Love as an ideal has been commoditised and sexualised. A lot of men and women mistake sexual attraction as the foundation for a deeper connection. Love is depicted as the pleasure of the individual and not a sustainable union between two people. My mother always advised me to find a man I liked to talk and laugh with. After the sexual dust has settled talking is what long term couples will do most. If we as a society have a skewed view of what love is how can we hope to find it, cherish it and keep it.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

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Who’s bride is it anyway?

1 Feb

Welcome

When deciding upon my first independent film, I thought it best to stick to a topic close to my heart. That left me with a decision to make my film either about food, shoes or men. At the time I had seen many articles on line stating that black women in the US and UK were the least likely to be married compared to other races. To add insult to injury many ‘reasons’ were given to explain this phenomenon, apparently we are too argumentative, too fussy, too materialistic, too overweight, too aggressive… I think you get the general gist. I even read another article claiming that an educated black woman of a certain age had more chance of being struck by lightning than getting married. Shoes and food no longer seemed that interesting.

These articles annoyed me on several levels. Firstly, it was the presumption that it’s every woman’s ultimate dream to be married as though it was some kind of prize or some badge of honour that we should all be aspiring to. That women are somehow passive spectators in the game of love waiting to be saved from spinsterhood. Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing but it does not define or validate who I am. Single girls are okay too and many have chosen to fly solo.

Secondly, I resent the implication that something is wrong with black women. I admit that as a black woman, I am slightly biased but I think that by and large we are awesome. If you were to read some of the material online you would think that we are anything but fabulous. Professional black women are shot down for having standards and wanting a man to have similar aspirations. Black women from lower socio-economic groups are caricatured as spandex wearing, overweight, promiscuous, gold digging baby mamas. The likes of Hilary Clinton or Kate Brady (UK female entrepreneur) can hold position of power without white women being labelled as a threat to white masculinity. Similarly, Kim Kardashian or Katie Price can have numerous sexual relationships without all white women being seen as sluts. If I hear one more man state that all black women are gold-diggers, I may tear out my weave. I doubt that white young women throw themselves at professional footballers because of their sensitivity, I am sure that it has more to do with their large pay packets. The question is why are black women given such a bad press and everyone else gets a free pass?

Thirdly, it really disappointed me that a lot of this cyber space bile was coming from black men. I know it’s not good to generalise but bear with me. I am sure that most of these men would happily state that they love their mothers dearly yet how come they have all this vitriol for women who most resemble their mothers?

At this point I know that many might think that I am anti-male raging feminist. I am not and have no desire to make film aiming to make all men look like misogynistic fools. That would be dull and untrue. However, it does seem that a lot of black men feel that they have the right to tell black women how to express their sexuality and that they should count themselves lucky if some dude wishes to make an honest woman out of her. That is just wrong on both counts.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Thanks

Sudelicious

P.S I am a feminist but I won’t be burning any bras.

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